During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
