my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
