shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
