I puked a lego.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Randomize
