I'm so fucking centered right now
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
