If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
