dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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