so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
