I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
