You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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