my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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