so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
