Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize