Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
