I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
