just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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