Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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