Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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