to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Randomize
