Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
