she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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