I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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