I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i drank out of a bidet.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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