His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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