I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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