i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
