just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
