any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
