I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
