Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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