I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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