im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
