He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
