I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
love makes seman taste better
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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