Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize