That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
