You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
