yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
