Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
