i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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