I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
