If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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