We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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