God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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