He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
