just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
