Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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