I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
