Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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