How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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