**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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