I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
