My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize