i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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