On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
