Your face is a jimmy john
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
