it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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