Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
