So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
