Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
