It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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