last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
