great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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