her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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