please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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