i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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