HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
